The next 15 minutes could change your life

Sorry about the length of the post, but a lot on my mind ;)

"When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse?"
-Coldplay "Fix You"

It is funny how life can take a sudden turn in the blink of an eye. One minute you're sitting in your car driving down the freeway, the next you're lying on your back blinking in the bright sterile light of a hospital room. Or you're riding your donkey through the desert near Damascus, murderously pursuing Christians and the next thing you know you've been blinded by a bright light and have the responsibility of being a leader to the very people you have sought so hard to eradicate.

"When you try your best but you don't succeed"
The sudden turn in my life was not nearly as dramatic as these examples, but happened just as quickly and was just as surprising. I was sitting at my desk one minute, reading an email and thinking of what work needed to be accomplished in the remaining hours of the day. Fifteen minutes later, I was unemployed. From database developer working with a team of developers with the sky as the limit to unemployed in 15 short minutes. There was no, "you have until the end of the week." Nope, I was ushered into a conference room with about 15 other colleagues and told that my time had come. They ushered each of us out one by one to the guillotine in the "storage room" and swiftly ended our employment. Shocking? You betcha! It is the kind of thing you never think about until it actually happens to you.

"When you get what you want but not what you need"
Yet I'm not all that disappointed by the sudden change in employment status. True, it was shocking, but I wasn't laid off because I did bad work or some other act to earn disrepute. No, the company just had to do some cutting back and it was my name that showed up in their magic 8 ball when they asked "who should we lay off?" It was a great job that came at a great time for me, a solid software development job right out of college. A job that I wanted and went straight into. I'm not sure it is what I needed, though. I mean, sure, it provided a great income and something to do day in and day out, but at the end of it all, when I flicked out the lights at night, I was more often than not frustrated by what was in my life. Like I was a hamster in a wheel spinning round and round, not knowing why I keep running or what difference all my running was making. A job that I wanted and took mainly because I didn't know what else I would do. A job that was so filled with the implications of a query plan that there was no room for thoughts of the Lord, thoughts and actions that matter in the lives of others. Maybe what I needed after college was a job that didn't pay a lot of money. A job that left me pennyless at the end of the day, but with a roof over my head and people that I had loved and affected. Maybe instead of just settling for a job that used my acquired skills I should have searched more, asked more questions of God, of my friends.

"When you feel so tired but you can't sleep"
So that brings up whole other slew of questions. (My mind is great at thinking up tons of questions, but not so good at answering them :-/) All of a sudden the world is my oyster again. I just have to find the pearl hidden inside the guts. Listen to God's voice to hear what he wants me to do. There's the obvious: find another software developer position in Santa Barbara. I mean, they're all over the place, for goodness sake. Down to the less obvious and more scary: Ditch software and do something else, something crazy and totally out there to liven me up again. And yet, I'm not frightened or worried in this time. It is trying, for sure. Do I have the faith to hold onto God's word when he says he will never leave me or forsake me? Do I truly believe that He knows what he is doing in my life? If he tells me to leave the software industry, the cushy life of a Santa Barbara resident and pursue a different life elsewhere, will I have the courage to do it? "Josh, do you trust me?" Will I be able to see through the many influences dangling in front of me like a carrot in front of a donkey, trying to drive me around in circles? My first inclination, as a former roommate pointed out to me, is to do something totally out of the ordinary when I feel unsettled. Go for out of the ordinary. Which isn't always a bad thing, but definitely something to be wary of. "Josh, do you trust me?"

"Stuck in reverse?"
And that is the question that plagues my mind right now. Am I stuck in reverse? Have I been proverbially driving the wrong way for the past seven months all the while thinking "If I just go a little bit further, life will be on track"?

Ha, it doesn't end there, there is more to the song! :D

"Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you"

"Lights will guide you home"
A promise of God. He will never leave us nor forsake us. He knows and has a plan (or multiple plans, who knows?) for each of us. And when we get going down the wrong path, God will still do great things through us, the more to his glory since we won't be able to claim any of it. And somehow he'll guide us home. Back to where he wants us to be. To a place that uses all of our selves for his glory. I don't know what form that is going to take in my life yet. Maybe the change that lies before me is just a small part in a grander scheme or maybe this change is the great U-turn itself. Maybe I've been going down the road the whole time and just haven't felt the blessing of it! I just pray that God reveals something to me. It's also possible that whatever decision I make in the coming weeks is God's will for me. Have you ever thought that maybe God just presents us with a choice sometimes and says, "This choice is my gift to you. I know things haven't felt right in your life lately, so I'm offering something different. Before you I have set a fork in the road. Either road will do and I will work through you in great ways no matter which path you choose. Neither is the wrong one." I don't have any solid evidence of this, but I've felt like this has been true multiple times in my life.

"And ignite your bones"
Hopefully the path that is finally trod is one that will stir something up inside me. Something that lights me up and awakens some kind of passionate fire in me about what I am doing. And if it doesn't, that I will have the diligence to see it through until God ushers me elsewhere.

"And I will try to fix you"
God will always fix you, not try, but WILL fix you. Will fix me.

Put my gears back into drive, Lord.